New year, new blog, you know the drill.
I know, I know. A blog launching on January 1. Doesn’t get much more cliché than that.
First of all, yes, H. C. Nait is a pseudonym. I am more than capable of rambling on with a whiny, pros-and-cons explanation as to why I decided to blog anonymously. But for the purposes of my first post, I just want to acknowledge the anonymity up front and apologize if the following description of myself seems light on incriminating details.
I am a twenty-something male. I fled my hometown of Salt Lake for a bigger and warmer metropolis. I am Mormon. I am also gay.
In any other context, describing oneself as gay would inherently imply that you are attracted to, date, and have sex with, or are planning on eventually having sex with, others of your same gender. Similarly, in other contexts, the word “Mormon” implies a certain level of religious belief and a certain commitment to religious precepts.
When you consider yourself both gay and Mormon, those words lose a certain amount of meaning. Instead of an inherent, shared understanding of what you’re trying to say, all sorts of follow up questions become necessary.
By “gay,” for example, I might mean a man who is attracted to men, but who nevertheless intends to either marry a woman or never have sex with anyone in order to remain faithful to Mormonism’s prohibition on homosexual conduct. Let me tell you right now, that’s not what I mean. When I say I’m gay, I mean I really like kissing other boys. And I’m rather fond of doing other stuff with them, too. I might even want to find another guy to spend the rest of my life with.
All of which might lead you to conclude that when I say I am “Mormon,” what I really mean is that I was raised Mormon, or that I have a cultural affinity with Mormonism. Sort of, but this still doesn’t quite encapsulate it. Yes, I am Mormon in part because I was raised that way, and because my family is Mormon, and because for two years as a Mormon missionary, I obsessively studied the LDS Church, and philosophized with others and with my own conscience about the meaning of life and the nature of creation, all through the lens of Mormonism.
But I am also Mormon because I believe in God, and believe in prayer, and feel as though God wants me to be Mormon.
Now that is very different from saying, “God has answered my prayers and told me that Mormonism is the one true church.” Lots of Mormons say that. I am not saying that. My relationship with Mormonism is incredibly complicated, as this blog will undoubtedly make clear. But there are thousands of people who identify as Mormons without having ever experienced a spiritual witness that this particular Church is the real deal, and I reject the idea that my sexuality prevents me from claiming Mormonism to the same degree as those individuals.
So I am a Mormon Gay, or a Gay Mormon. Either descriptor works for me. And because that occasionally makes my life complicated, or makes my overactive psyche contemplative, this blog is likely going to revolve around those issues a lot. I think that will be healthy for me. And maybe something I write about the intersection between those two identities will even be of interest to someone else out there.
But I am also more than Gay and Mormon. I am an avid reader. So sometimes my posts may be just a random book review. I am trying to lose weight, which means I am basically living off of Trader Joe’s salads, so sometimes my posts may be just complaining about healthy eating. I am a student, about to graduate and—get this—apparently, after you graduate, society expects you to get a job and be productive. Go figure. Since I have no idea how that will go, you can expect the occasional mental breakdown post as I navigate a post-schooling life.
I am also an absolute political junkie. You may not be aware of this, but there’s an election coming up. You know, in about eleven months. I realize that right about now, you may be feeling like the election has already dragged on for ages, and is never going to end. But this stuff is like porn for me. I love it. It never has to end. And I can guarantee a whole range of political ramblings will also be making very regular appearances on this blog.
So that’s a very, very vague summary of who I am, and what I’ll be writing about. I’ll be honest, I’m skeptical of this whole blogging thing. But I love writing, and this seems like a great way to stretch those particular muscles. So for now, I’ll just say Hello!, welcome to my blog, and